On this Day:
In 1997, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” opened at the Gershwin theatre in NYC.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (1992) is a book written by American author and relationship counselor John Gray, after he had earned degrees in meditation and taken a correspondence course in psychology. The book states that most common relationship problems between men and women are a result of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes, which the author exemplifies by means of its eponymous metaphor: that men and women are from distinct planets—men from Mars and women from Venus—and that each sex is acclimated to its own planet’s society and customs, but not to those of the other. One example is men’s complaint that if they offer solutions to problems that women bring up in conversation, the women are not necessarily interested in solving those problems, but mainly want to talk about them. The book asserts each sex can be understood in terms of distinct ways they respond to stress and stressful situations.
The book has sold more than 15 million copies and, according to a CNN report, it was the “highest ranked work of non-fiction” of the 1990s, spending 121 weeks on the bestseller list. The book and its central metaphor have become a part of popular culture and the foundation for the author’s subsequent books, recordings, seminars, theme vacations, one-man Broadway show, TV sitcom, workout videos, a podcast, men’s and ladies’ apparel lines, fragrances, travel guides and his-and-hers salad dressings.
Gray writes how men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in relationships. If the balance shifts, one person feeling they have given more than they have received, resentment can develop. This is a time when only communication can help to bring the relationship back into balance.
Gray further asserts men and women view giving and receiving love differently, how individual actions intended as loving expressions are “tallied up.” According to Gray, women and men are often surprised to find their partners “keep score” at all, or that their scoring methods widely differ.
He says women use a points system which few men are aware of. Each individual act of love gets one point, regardless of magnitude. Men, on the other hand, assign small acts, small expenditures, fewer points. Larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points, etc.) go to what they consider bigger expenditures. To a woman, the emotional stroke delivered by sincere attention is inseparable from the act. The different perception of expenditure can lead to conflict when the man thinks his work has earned him, say, 20 points and deserves corresponding recognition, while the woman has assigned him only 1 point and recognizes him accordingly. The man tends to think he can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50 points) and not do much else, assuming he has “banked” points and can afford to “coast.” The woman should be satisfied with his performance and give him credit for it. Instead, the woman would rather have many little things done for her on a regular basis, because women like to think their men are thinking of them and care for them more constantly. Gray clarifies how these two perceptions of “strokes” cause conflict. He encourages talking about these issues openly.
Another major idea put forth in Gray’s book regards the difference in the way the genders react to stress. Gray states when male tolerance to stressful situations is exceeded, they withdraw temporarily, “retreating into their cave”, so to speak. Often, they literally retreat: for example, to the garage, or to go spend time with friends. In their “caves”, men (writes Gray) are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand. Yet this “time-out” lets them distance themselves from the problem and relax, allowing them to re-examine the problem later from a fresh perspective.
Gray holds that male retreat into the cave has historically been hard for women to understand. When women become unduly stressed, their natural reaction is to talk with someone close about it (even if talking doesn’t provide a solution to the problem at hand). This sets up a natural dynamic where the man retreats as the woman tries to get closer, which becomes a major source of conflict between them.
The “wave” is a term Gray uses to describe a natural dynamic centered around a woman’s ability to give to other people. He writes when she feels full of love and energy to give to others, her wave is stable. When she gives of herself, but doesn’t receive adequate love and attention in return, her wave becomes unbalanced, cresting and eventually crashing. Then, a woman needs the attention, listening, understanding, and reassurance of those around her—as well as self-love. Gray explains that once she is rejuvenated by getting the support she needs, her wave is able to build and rise once again, with renewed love and energy to give. Men, advises Gray, should support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel the way a woman feels (per Wikipedia).
First, a Story:
Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself type anyway….
Second, a Song:
Per DrewM7326 and YouTube.com:
Regina Belle is a Grammy award winning singer, from Englewood, New Jersey, now living in Atlanta, Georgia, who sings Adult Contemporary, Quiet Storm, Smooth Jazz, Urban contemporary, Broadway, and Contemporary R&B songs. Her singing style is compared to that of Anita Baker.In 1987, she released her debut album, All By Myself, that had the singles, ‘Please Be Mine’, ‘Show Me The Way’,and ‘So Many Tears’. In 1989, Belle released her second album, Stay With Me. ‘Baby Come To Me’, the album’s first single, topped the R&B charts in 1989. Belle teamed up with Peabo Bryson for the song ‘A Whole New World’, which was the featured pop single from the soundtrack to the 1992 Disney movie “Aladdin”. The song won the Grammy Award in 1993 for “Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal and a “Best Song” Oscar in the same year. She also issued the album Passion, in 1993 that featured the above mentioned song, and If I Could. After a short hiatus she released an album in 1998. During the 2000s, have since appeared in concert with many other performers, including the late Ray Charles, Boney James, Paul Taylor, Gerald Albright, Will Downing, Maze, Frankie Beverly, Phil Perry, Howard Hewett, Al Jarreau, and Stephanie Mills, as well as releasing a Gospel album in 2008.
Jeffrey Osborne, who is from Providence, Rhode Island, now living in Los Angeles, began his professional singing career in 1969 with the Funk and Soul group Love Men Ltd. The band moved to Los Angeles in 1970 and changed its name to L.T.D. Osborne was originally the drummer and eventually became the lead vocalist. After more than ten years with the band, he decided to pursue a solo career, which produced hits as ‘Don’t You Get So Mad’, ‘Stay With Me Tonight’, ‘You Should Be Mine (The Woo Woo Song)’, ‘On The Wings Of Love’, ‘Love Power'(duet with Dionne Warwick}, ‘Only Human’ and ‘If My Brother’s In Trouble’. Osborne’s solo career has brought him five gold and platinum albums, including Stay With Me Tonight in 1982, Don’t Stop in 1984, Emotional in 1986, One Love: One Dream in 1988, and Only Human in 1991. Osborne would be absent from the charts for the remainder of the decade. In the new millennium, he returned with a series of albums that, while far from the success he enjoyed in the 1980s, they produced some beautiful songs. He has also been a regular singer of the U.S. National Anthem at Los Angeles Lakers games.
Here are Regina Belle & Jeffrey Osborne performing “Men From Mars Women From Venus”. I hope you enjoy this!
Thought for the Day:
“Fortunately perfection is not a requirement for creating great relationships.” ― John Gray
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Have a great day!
Dave & Colleen
© 2021 David J. Bilinsky and Colleen E. Bilinsky
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